DEATH

Hundred ways I have imagined this scenario; a thousand ways I have considered how my story would draw to an end. It could be in a car, casually driving along the road. I could step on an exposed wire and shockingly conclude my story. Maybe, in my sleep or because of a fatal disease. Isn’t the earth such a grand place, filled with hierarchies and social statuses, saturated with different races and ideals? Yet, all of us, every living thing under the sun, still fall under the rules of life and death. We are born, and we die.

One thing is for sure, I am aware that on any day, at any time, there would be a moment when I am just gone. This makes me wonder why I waste so much time on things that stop me from living the life that I want. The life that I have dreamed of.

Fear has turned me into a procrastinator, pushing things further down the line, believing I would get to them someday. I postpone my plans because I am afraid of trying, yet, I am afraid of losing the opportunity at the same time. I look back, mourning the time lost, realising it’s gone forever along with whatever opportunity that lay there. Then I look ahead, seeing that I might still have some time but am too afraid to take it and work towards my goals.

Guilt has become an anchor, bounding me to past mistakes, to past failures. It holds me in place while my dreams are ready to sail away. It feeds me lies to keep me fastened to the past, and I soak it in. I tell myself that there is truth in those lies, and there is no real world built outside of the mistakes. The more I believe them, the slower I become in pursuing my dreams, and soon I begin to wonder if they are what I truly want. The thoughts begin to stir in my mind, getting stronger by the days that roll by, and I feel powerless to stop them.

My dreams have always been big, but the time I have will always be unknown. I can’t make excuses forever, I can’t hide or be afraid forever, but I know that I can do it long enough to lose my way. I can’t seem to separate from the negative; they hold me every step I want to make, every angle I want to take. Still, I know I can grow with them. I can work on my dreams even while afraid. I can chase my hopes even with failure looming over the horizon. If I wait to be perfect before taking a step, I would forever be stuck in that position.

Nothing in my life will change if I don’t start moving. Watching time tick by, completely aware that it is ticking away, frightens me. So, I take steps fear tells me I should be cautious of. I tug, ever so gently, on the anchor and inch away from the shores of the past, little by little. I can’t recover the time I lost, but I can spend the ones I have left fighting to become the person I know I can be.