A KISS BEFORE DYING

Titilola,

My beautiful Titi, the princess of our house. I do not know what state of mind this letter will find you in, but I hope that by the final words, you will be smiling. 

Titi, to me, you have always been unique, always had something in you that made you stand out from everyone else in the room. From your hysterical laughter, which never ceased to frighten your father, to your fractured tooth that received so many teasing remarks from the family. Do you remember when your uncle would play his reggae songs? You had a weird dance you did, sashaying around the room with a smile, imploring your brothers and cousins to join you. Back then, you had no idea how to dance; you just jumped, twisted around and enjoyed yourself.

At this moment, I am laughing at the memory. You are such a character. What hurts me is that you seem to have grown to doubt yourself. I do not know when it happened or how I did not see it, but you allowed the negative words and emotions in this world to fester in your mind. When you were younger, you had so much passion and goals for your future. You would talk about changing lives with your words. You walked with childlike confidence and laughed with unreserved freedom.

The older you grew, the more withdrawn you became. You aged beautifully, but mentally you regressed. Each time you had to be away from family, you became timid, overthinking every word you heard. Dissecting them and trying to find something hurtful in the sentences. Something you could latch on to because it was only the lies your heart seemed to accept. When I called you beautiful, you no longer believed me. Instead of thanking me as you used to do, you would laugh and rebuke my words. You would list the things you saw wrong and the reasons you believed you could not be classified as beautiful. The more you went on, the farther the insecurity deepened. They went past your looks and into your trust in your abilities.

I carry a lot of guilt for watching and saying nothing, but at that time, I had no idea what was going on. Let us just say I have a lot of time to reminisce under the beeping of this disconcerting machine. Things I did not see before are becoming all too clear to me.

Yesterday, you told me about your dreams to write poetry or some short stories, I do not know. Literature was never my best subject, so all its different branches are alien to me. I read one poem after you left, and it brought me to tears. It was not the words that brought me to tears, though they helped me realize the pains you wrote from, it was because I remembered what you said when you gave them to me to read. You said ‘Aunty Lola, this is some of the things I have written. They are not that good, but I thought maybe you would like to read them.’

I need you to remove all those doubts and lies swarming your head when you read the letter from this point on. I need your mind clear for this.

Titi, you are amazing. I need you to look in a mirror, whether now or after this, and tell yourself that you are remarkable. Believe me, it means a lot to hear someone say this to you, for someone to acknowledge you in your works, but that is sometimes a rare thing to find. Sometimes, you need to tell yourself just how great you are. Stand up in the morning and just say ‘Ay! I am a boss.’ I am telling you this because if you keep waiting on the world to acknowledge your worth, you might never truly find it. You can look for it in a boyfriend, a friend, a teacher or even in your own family, but nothing would be as comforting as getting it from within yourself. If you do not believe it yourself, it would be too hard to believe it from others.

You do not need to win competitions to prove that your writing is exceptional. I read your work, and goosebumps filtered over my already wrinkled skin. Your words can touch someone else; speak to the heart of a person in the same boat as you. You can be a miracle to thousands of people who need to see and hear the things your write, but it would never happen when you allow failure to take over. When you lose, instead of seeing your work as mediocre or looking down at yourself, talk yourself up. Say ‘It was not meant to be’, but never allow yourself to stop. Remember that ‘tiny drops of water make a mighty ocean’ just as ‘small holes sink great ships’.

Things might not be looking up now. You are not winning competitions, and everything around you seems like a mess but Titi, fight. Fight. Protect the candle of your passion and let the fire keep burning. You have the voice to change not only your life but the lives of people who hear your thoughts, people who read your words. Do not let failure define your talent but instead use it to strengthen your resolve. Greatness is not always about being popular or famous or getting worldwide recognition. Changing the life of one person is still something great. Now, get up. Wipe the dust off your knees and keep on walking.

Hugs and Kisses,

Aunty Lola.

A tear rolls down Titi’s face as she sets the letter aside. Her eyes shift from the letter on her desk to the words swarming on her laptop screen. She had spent days looking at those words, trying to find a way to make them better. To say them better. Now, the person she was writing for had passed, and yet the words remained on her screen. One thing she knew was that she had a life to live. She had a chance to do more than sit in her room, drowning in her own stories. Suffocated by her own words. She never wrote to keep the words hidden away, she wrote to share and find people who were like-minded. There was no telling how far she could go if she decided to cower in fear, no telling who she could reach. Maybe it will not work out, maybe it will, but she could only know when she decided to start.

Resolved, she types in a new beginning, a title for her collection of poems.